Phase one of training is over

At the YMAA center, the training curriculum is centered on physical conditioning for the better part of the first year. We come here to learn kung fu, but we have to be patient for at least 8 months before we even get to start studying the art we came here for. We practice taijiquan, qigong, tumbling, and meditation in the mornings, but in the afternoons, it's the same physical conditioning routine for 3 and a half hours day after day, month after month. Mountain running working up to carrying 50 pounds, jumping over railings with and without weight, upper body conditioning (pull ups, dips, etc) on bars and rings, holding stances balanced on stacked upright bricks, dropping and catching a 30lb cinder block, climbing vertical and horizontal ropes, pushing staffs against the wall with the dantian, staff conditioning for the wrist, and some static holds for core and back strength. 5 days a week. For almost a year.

Having such external structure and consistency leads one to be much more aware of your inner experience, and how much of it is purely in your head. For the most part, that conditioning phase was absolutely brutal for me. I was definitely what Shifu would call a "greenhouse" kid. I wasn't super athletic growing up, though I did do 6 years of watered down western sport tae kwon do. I stopped doing that when I moved away from home to finish university at 18, and from 18-22, I didn't do a whole lot with myself physically. Just weight training a few times a week on and off a few times a week, and not super consistently. I wasn't in the greatest shape when I came here. I was about 135lbs, at 5'7. And I had been vegetarian for a couple years. While I'm sure that diet can work with some people, practiced in the correct way, it didn't work for me and my body. My recovery abilities were pretty terrible. Within the first month, I reached an intensely overtrained state and got very sick for a week or so. After that, it was a constant struggle.

For the majority of the phase 1 training, I was constantly exhausted, intensely fatigued, and generally felt like shit. I'm sure it didn't help that I was working the entire time. On top of the 40 or 50 hour a week training schedule, I worked an average of 20-25 hours a week. I pretty much never rested. Any time not training was spent cooking/eating, working, driving, or trying to practice guitar/chinese other extra curricular activities. Living here is never easy, but that level of constant exhaustion made it so much more difficult than it needed to be. Some days I was so tired even soft qigong felt like a titanic effort. Other days I was so exhausted I actually cried. And no matter how bad that gets, you still have to follow the schedule and train every day.

That led to a lot of mental difficulties as well. It's hard to will yourself forward when you feel that badly. I also experienced a lot of anger and frustration. It doesn't seem productive to force yourself to train through that, especially when overtraining injuries develop. I struggled with on and off elbow tendinitis and shin splints almost the whole year, which was not only painful but was an incredibly frustrating impediment to making progress. I often felt frustration with Shifu for structuring training in a way that doesn't take each individual body's response to it into account. He just imposes the same routine on everyone, all the time. More and harder is always better, without much attention paid to the need for rest. It seemed contrary to all of the high level training philosophies I've read about, and felt I could be making more progress, experiencing fewer injuries, and feeling a lot better going about training differently. But I had to accept it. The perspective that most helped me do so was to view that period as a test of will, endurance, discipline, and mental strength as much as a physical training routine.

Whatever it was, it's now over. This past week, we completed testing for that phase, and it's now time to move on to what we came here to learn. It feels amazing to have such a difficult time behind me. I'm already feeling much more rested and recovered. However the rest of the program goes, I don't think it will ever feel that difficult. I don't think there will ever be as big of a gap between my level of physical preparation and capacity and the demand imposed on my body from training. The technique training from here on out is never easy, but it's much less demanding and draining than the conditioning routine. Perhaps my life will never feel so difficult and miserable as it often did for the last 8 months. I feel deeply grateful that it's over, and empowered for having found the will to endure it. The sacrifices still weigh heavily on me. I love people, and it's hard to live in isolation. Of the fairly rich social network I had before I came here, there are two people left in my life (outside the center) with whom I have in depth conversations with at least once a week. Being so limited in my ability to explore romantic connections (if people even allow themselves to get close to me, given the circumstances) for 8 more years seems daunting and insane, and I know it will be a struggle. However, I am strong in my conviction that it's all worth it in the long run. I still feel this is the most meaningful and worthwhile thing I could do with my life. The experience and growth I gain from living on this mountain is worth the normal life experiences I have to give up for a little less than a decade. There will be plenty of time for that later. Despite the difficulties of this past year, I did make a lot of progress, physically and mentally. I am much stronger than I was a year ago. I have gained at least 20 pounds of muscle and my body looks completely different. I have greatly increased body awareness, awareness in general of the space around me, and mental self awareness. I feel much more integrated physically, more full energetically, and feel much more in touch and connected with myself.

I'm very excited to start the new routine tomorrow. We still have a good amount of time for conditioning with upper body, jumping, and some other stuff, but I really enjoy it when it's not too much. Much of the time in the next phase is devoted to learning Long Fist and White Crane sequences, hitting bags, and practicing the basic techniques of our first weapon, the staff.