A raw and intense look at my experience here

I have not posted in a very long time. I wanted to blog about my experience here from beginning, but I just have not made it a priority. I have my hands full enough managing the intensity of the training schedule, the responsibilities of a full time, intricate nonprofit accounting job (though I only spent 80-100 hours a month working remotely including a couple weekends in SF), the extra projects we have here (DVDs, articles, accounting for Dr. Yang, etc), music, juggling, and so on. I read Jon's new posts recently and thought about what he said about people wanting to know what life here was like. I'm glad he chose to stop censoring himself and post more honestly about what he experiences here.

I choose to post now for the same reasons, and for one other. I find that in the moments of intense inner struggle presented by life here, its easy to feel so isolated and alone. We're out here in the woods, so far from the world we grew up in. I'm so busy and engaged that I've lost touch with most of my former social network. I invest the time to maintain a handful of relationships with my closest and deepest friends, but that's all. Even those are different, limited to electronic communications only. The past 9 months here have been an amazing, transformative experience. I have no regrets. I love it here; this is the life for me. With that said, there are moments here that are exceptionally difficult. It can be mental: being overwhelmed with the amount of work I need to keep up with. It can be physical: being exhausted, injured, and overtrained - in need of rest but forced to follow the training schedule. Often, it is emotional, as this particular post deals with. In any case, I was reflecting today that when life really weighs down on you, it seems even more difficult when you feel like you are alone in the mountains where few people keep in touch with you or know what's going on in your life. I thought it might make me feel a bit better to openly share a difficult moment on my blog. As mentioned above, that might also be of interest to people who follow the project and wonder what it's like here.

The following is an email I wrote today to a girl I've known on and off for 10 years, and have been in love with each time we've interacted. For whatever reason, we share a deep connection which seems to transcend time and distance, remaining present as we've grown up and become adults. I won't go into more detail about the situation than that, it should be clear enough from what I wrote and knowing that I'm here.

Also, just a disclaimer. I can be crude, superficial, and silly, but I am very emotionally open with myself and others. This email in particular takes all the masks off. Thanks for reading.

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"I don't really have many words right now, so maybe this will actually be a short email. My experience right now is mainly a flood of overwhelming feelings, most of them exceptionally sad and painful. My wisdom mind has certainly disengaged itself for a period of time, so I don't know where I'll be when things settle down.

I just spent about half an hour sitting on the ground, crying, and staring at the mountains and trees. It was cold, and raining, but I needed to be away from the house and the other people. Every time I take the time to truly look outside here, it seems like the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. The endless green sea of trees, the earth asserting itself thousands of feet in the air all around me, and the clouds and mist that float in the air and amongst the trees here when it rains inspire deep awe and many feelings I don't know how to even describe. The quiet is so deep you can almost drown in it. It seems ironic that a place that is a source of more pain and suffering than anything in my life is so soul piercingly beautiful.

Meowgi was sleeping outside the door when I went out, so I picked him him up and took him with me. He curled up in my lap, buried his face against me, and purred the whole time I sat there. It seems that little brown cat is my only real source of love here, haha.

You described us as two people who really wish we could be together but know we can't. I wouldn't describe myself like that at all. I don't care what we are now, what we can or can't be in the future (and who knows anyway), or what goes on between you and anyone else in your life. All that matters to me is this profound connection we share, and how fulfilling and happy it makes me to have you in my life even in these extremely limited circumstances. I certainly appreciate it more than any actual "relationship" I've been in. I never would have thought that reading words in a box on my computer or hearing a voice on my phone could feel so good, but it does. Any time we interact (and subconsciously when we dont) I feel great love for you. That is all that's important to me. I am quite content to go with that flow, and as I've said, let that be what it is.

Also, you used the words "relationship" and "workability" implying that we wish we could have a "relationship", but it wouldn't "work", thus we can only be "friends". Those are abstract, invented concepts. I take what I feel to be a much more honest perspective on life. There are only two things that matter: what you want, and what you are willing to do to get it. We can be much more honest with each other (and ourselves) if we speak in those terms rather than make excuses like "workability". If your feelings for me were strong enough, you would be willing to do what ever we need to do to enjoy them. If they are not, which is completely understandable, then it makes sense to do whatever is right for you. I suppose its not only a matter of how strong feelings are. I am, after all, the source of the "workability" deficiency. I'm the one choosing to be here, though part of me thought about leaving here to be with you both last year and now. At this time, and probably for the next 8 years if I don't break under the weight of life here, there is no amount of love I could have for anyone that is worth not being here. This place is the rest of my life. It is my body, my mind, my spirit. Those are the things I gain here, in a way that isn't possible anywhere else in the world or at any other time in my life. It's a vicious, cruel joke of the universe that such a place can't also be my heart, that I am forced to make such choices, but so it goes. As I said, if you can find it in you to be totally honest about your feelings (not just towards me, but in general) with me, that would mean a lot.

I wish the people you choose to pursue other connections with were able to share you in the relatively limited, immaterial way that you and I interact, but I understand if they don't, and if you choose what they offer over what I offer. Intentionally scaling back interactions, not expressing feelings, and trying to enforce distance are not things that come easily to me. They feel incredibly wrong and even more painful. I dont know how things will be between us, but I'll continue to let it be what it is. Remember though that, as you said, your boyfriends come and go, but my feelings for you don't change, and the door to whatever I have to give you is always open.

hah, i guess i found some words.

love"